14 things people actually do before breakfast

  1. They mute the first 3 alarms before actually getting out of bed.
  2. They procrastinate further by listening to radio and checking Twitter while bargaining with themselves they need “just another five minutes”.
  3. Go to the bathroom, while continuing to check Twitter.
  4. They only get up from the toilet when realise they have just been sitting there games on their phone for the last 10 minutes and they should probably think about getting ready to go out.
  5. They clean up after whatever unspeakable gross thing their cat/dog/child/hamster/uninvited rodents/roaches have done since they went to bed.
  6. THEY GET CAFFEINE.
  7. They perform minimum viable personal grooming until their partner/dog/cat/hamster/child stop complaining about the smell.
  8. They spend way to long staring at the sock and pants drawer wondering where all the good underwear has gone.
  9. They try on at least 2 different outfits before deciding just to go with whatever has the least hair/gum/wrinkles on it.
  10. They ensure pets/children are sufficiently fed/walked/dressed to stave off a visit from social services for another day.
  11. They look at themselves in the mirror and think HAIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OMG STOP THAT. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
  12. They wonder where their keys/wallet/purse/oyster card are.
  13. They briefly panic when they realise they’ve forgotten their phone but then realise no, they already have it.
  14. They glance back at the house from their front door trying to work out what they’ve forgotten, before heading to work via Pret.

Written by

Software for news and media and civic tech. Cat herder. Director at Glitch Digital.

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